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Wednesday, February 7th 2007

08:49:46 PM

So, it's not really the last!

  • Feelin' like.... A new day

After months of leisurely searching for a journal that would allow me to password protect it, I've found one!  It's handsome, it's efficient, and it's free!

You'll have to ask for permission to access it, and I'm afraid I have to be painfully selective, as I'm still recovering from a few bruises from the past.

30 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Monday, October 30th 2006

08:52:34 PM

My last journal entry

I have taken great joy in writing in this journal for the past two and half years.  I have met wonderful friends along the way...ones in which I'm sorry I never had the chance to actually meet face to face.  You know who you are.

There comes a time when all things transcend their purpose.  That time has come.  A close friend and confidant during times of great joy, sorrow, excitement, and tedium, I now kiss it good-bye. 

1 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Monday, October 9th 2006

09:09:56 AM

Better get used to it...

  • Feelin' like....

Well, if I want our other four cord of firewood delivered, I guess I'd better get stacking the six that are already out there.  I told my wood guy I'd call him when it got done....almost two weeks ago. 

Today promises to be a beautiful day...probably one of our last for the immediate future...so I'd better throw my hair up in a ponytail, don some work gloves, and find the Icy Hot.  I have a feeling I'm going to need it!

0 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Wednesday, October 4th 2006

07:48:40 AM

Artist of my soul

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never in a million years did I think I'd be where I am today.  Faced with some very difficult decisions, I press on toward that which is ultimately best for my children.  How does one determine what that is under such circumstances?

Is it best to allow pretense to exist?  Do we simply pretend that all is well, give the children some sense of security, all the while deceiving them and running the risk they'll learn the truth and resent us for it later.  This, of course, has brutal consequences for everyone...mom and dad grow farther apart and the children bear witness to bitterness.  Or do we abandon the pretense altogether and allow them to fully appreciate the magnitude of the situation?  No, of course not.

The other solution is to test the waters of separation.  Hoping to find some resolution to issues past, being apart would allow breathing room.  Time for introspection.  Discovery of what lies beneath.  And the children?  Well, any decision we make will not bring forth the peace and security we long for them...we simply make what seems to be the best choice, and purpose in our hearts to serve them and their needs, not us and our own. 

I do not know what the future will bring...who does?  I do know that God has got my back, that He loves me unconditionally, and that He will take care of my every need and give me strength to press on.  I have great peace with that knowledge.  I do at times tend to worry for my children, however, that's limiting God's love and provision in my life, isn't it?  I must move past the fear that, even though God has lifted my head through all of this, He won't give my children the same measure of grace.  What kind of faith is that?  It's weak...conditional...wavering.  No, I must trust that His compassion is all-encompassing...that it reaches far beyond what I know, and right down into the very core of my childrens' lives and grabs hold of them.  They will be cradled in His arms ever so much more than I can ever hope. 

And there is where I must start...put the paintbrush right back in God's hands and allow Him to bring life again to the work of art He created.

4 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Sunday, October 1st 2006

04:39:37 PM


The Road Less Traveled
Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,  
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
1 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Thursday, September 28th 2006

09:07:18 AM

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anaïs Nin

0 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Wednesday, September 27th 2006

08:48:52 AM

I'd be content if...

...every day began like this!

Woke up a little before 5:00am this morning and, even though it was dark (I'd rather the sun was kissing my cheek), my room was crisp and cool with the fresh morning air.  I just laid there enjoying the quiet for awhile when Samuel soon came in and quickly ran for cover...it was pretty chilly in his room, too and, well...you know how kids lose their covers in the night. 

Anyway, it was too early to wake the house, so I decided to finish watching a cute little movie I fell asleep to last night.  Toward the end there were some kissing scenes (sweet, not intense) and Samuel kept covering his eyes saying, "uuuuuh...not that!"  And then another, "eeeeeeeew....not a big one!!"  After a few more of those, we got laughing so hard that it started a round of goofy sounds, hugs, kisses, and tickles!  Funny, he doesn't seem to think my kisses are "eeeew"!  lol

Then, the number one most voiced statement in our house..... "I'm hungry!"  So, put on some comfy slippers and head down to the kitchen.  I had set out all the ingredients for pumpkin bread the night before and it was still early enough that Sam could eat it before he left for school.  So, we made pumpkin bread...the most requested dish by my children.  It not only filled the house with that familiar, spicy aroma, but the kitchen was toasty after an hour in the oven!

Sam dressed and ready to go (with a sampling of bread for his teacher), we jumped in the van, played his favorite song (which happens to be one of mine) and we were off!  The other great thing about this morning, and every morning come to think of it, is that it's just the two of us.  Sarah and Caleb are still snoozing away while Sam and I get exclusive rights to each other for an hour or two.  And we both love that!

Yup...I'd have mornings like this all the time if I could!

10:00am - This day just keeps getting better!

I just found out that anyone participating in the STAR program in NYS is getting a rebate check soon!  As far as I can see, the only requirement to receiving it is having participated in STAR already.  Ok, now am I the only one who didn't know this?  Do I need to watch the news more?

More info.... http://www.tax.state.ny.us/nyshome/rebateamount.htm


1 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Tuesday, September 26th 2006

11:30:36 AM

What a great day!

  • Feelin' like....

Nothing in particular going on, just feeling pretty great!  Cold is pretty much over, very little coughing, lost a few pounds, kids are up and running quite efficiently, and the sun is shining!! 

Sam's field trip got postponed.  I was suppose to chaperone a visit to the apple orchard but got a call last night from his teacher.  Some sort of "bus problem".  Anyway, I'm praying that the next day they pick will be just as gorgeous as this one!!  Maybe we'll head over there anyway!

Otherwise, a pretty dull day.  A trip to the library again is what the kids are asking for (we just went yesterday), followed by some grocery shopping.  Maybe we'll stop off and get some pumpkins!  That'll get us in the mood for fall on this fine, crisp, sunny autumn day!  Have I mentioned recently that I love fall?

1 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Saturday, September 23rd 2006

07:07:14 PM

A nugget

I've been doing a lot of what I call drop-in reads.  I'll just pick up a book, read a chapter or two (if that much), put it down and carry that nugget away with me.  Sometimes that's all you require from some books.

Anyway, here's one from today.

The Inner Voice of Love,  Henri Nouwen

Open Yourself to the First Love
(pages 28-29)

     You have been speaking a lot about dying to old attachment in order to enter the new place, where God is waiting for you.  But it is possible to end up with too many noes -- no to your former way of thinking and feeling, no to things you did in the past, and most of all, no to human relationships that were once precious and life-giving.  You are setting up a spiritual battle full of noes, and you work yourself to despair when you realize how hard it seems, if not impossible, to cut yourself off from the past. 
     The love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awaken your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic.  It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous.  A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such.  When human friendships prove to be unlivable because you demand that your friends love you in ways that are beyond human capacity, you do not have to deny the reality of the love you received.  When you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something that God does not want.  The task is not to die to life-giving relationships, but to realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love.
     God has given you a beautiful self.  There God dwells and loves you with his first love, which precedes all human love.  You carry your own beautiful, deeply loved self in your heart.  You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recognize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you.
     So stop trying to die to the particular love you have received.  Be grateful for it and see it as what enabled you to open yourself to God's first love.

1 What You've Thought! / View Entry

Thursday, September 21st 2006

12:35:12 PM

Mixed blessings

Well, I'm fighting off something!  An awful sore throat put me in bed early last night and, while I'm feeling better, it still feels very raw back there.  Lots of soup and rest today...I have plans to go out tonight and I'm not missing that!  I've been a little too cooped up in the house lately, save the constant shuffling around of children all over town.

So that's the tough part of my day.  The upside is that I received a wonderful surprise in the mail!  When Sarah had her braces put on, I paid our portion up front so as not to have any monthly payments.  So glad I did!!!  So, since that time, the office has been billing our insurance company every month to receive the other half.  Well, time just flies...I didn't realize that it had already been two years and apparently Sarah's braces are paid in full now!  AND...I received a refund in the mail for $360!!!  How often does that happen??  Good is such a great provider!

Ok, time to take some more ibuprofin and lay down for a bit.

0 What You've Thought! / View Entry